Will I turn on Him?

“Life’s unfair!” My mind, or the enemy whispered. “Look at all your disabilities and illness you’ve suffered the last 11 years.” The thoughts of despair and discouragement played off and on.

“The last 24 hours you’ve been battling a severe migraine! The pain’s brought you to tears. You’ve been diagnosed with 8+ health conditions. You STILL need a full-time caregiver, and there is no end in sight to all of this!” These thoughts echoed into my soul. But I knew who authored them once their main objective was to get me angry at God. “Just give in, get angry at Him. You’ve been ‘good’ so long. Give-in to what you feel.”

I know the enemy wants me to get angry at God. It’s the quickest way he can distance me from the Lord. Anger creates a drift between the one who gives us strength and hope through the trials of life. It’s a brilliant tactic to bring down a Christian and to hurt our Father’s heart.

How much it must hurt the Lord when we get angry at Him- because we’re distanced from Him… God’s heart longs to be close to His kids. I think how deeply it hurts a human parent to have their adult child angry and hostile towards them. Yes, our heavenly father must hurt too.

When I was a teenager, I remember having people close to me betray and hurt me. I remember feeling shocked and brokenhearted because I didn’t feel I had done anything to deserve this. I guess that’s why they call it “betrayal.” My little heart was devastated.

One good thing is it brought me closer God, because I started thinking about how often people get angry at Him for things He doesn’t deserve. People can’t pay their bills, they go through a breakup, someone dies, a disease hits their family, rape, murder, incest etc. Often things God hates, they blame on God. How unfair is that?!

God often gets blamed for things that are the result of our own poor decisions. Sometimes He gets blamed for sad things in this fallen world (disease, death).

Christians who say they follow Him betray Him. They turn on Him once something bad happens. Something horrendous occurs that Satan might have had a hand in, and Christians instinct never is to blame Satan or to blame other people’s decisions. They quickly blame God. How would we like to be blamed for the things we most detest? God understands betrayal. He understands you when you’ve been hurt and blamed for something you didn’t do.

What about Satan and the fallen angels’ betrayal?! Long before humans experienced betrayal themselves, God and the angels had experienced it on that sad day when the angels left Heaven. These were beings that worshiped the Lord, knew the Lord, and angels God created and loved.

They all had individual personalities. Maybe some were funny, kind, creative, smart etc. God knew them all by name. He had memories with them, a relationship with them. How must it have felt when Lucifer / Satan decided he wanted to be a god and worshipped. His heart turned against the Lord. He convinced a third of the angels to follow him.

They were thrown out of heaven. God, and the remaining angels in heaven must have grieved their friends that turned against them, that wanted to be gods of their own. What betrayal, what heartbreak. God understands heartbreak. As I thought about these things as a teenager, I felt bad for all God had endured. And for that terrible day heaven suffered.

Then I thought about all the humans who had turned on God throughout all of history. The millions of people who have blamed Him and hated Him. I wanted to cry. He’s innocent and people blame Him all the time for things He has nothing to do with.

After people hated Him, blamed Him, He still came, in the form of Jesus down to Earth, took our sins upon Himself and died for us so that we would live forever with Him in Heaven. He lived a humble life on earth. People despised and lied about Him. Then He was crucified for us. That is love. He saved us from Hell and death. Yet people still hate Him. People still blame Him. People are still angry at Him.

I was hurt that my friends were betraying me when I felt I was innocent. But I had not been crucified for them. I hadn’t even taken a punch for them. I was not love incarnate. He is.

I don’t want to add to the hurt He’s been through. I don’t want to be one of many who’s angry with Him when things go wrong. I want to be one of the few He can count on and will not turn on Him when things are bumpy.

So when I was a teen, and I reflected on all of these deep topics, I looked out to the stars one night and told God through tears, “I won’t get angry at you.” I knew that might be hard to keep, cause life has ups and downs and the first thing our emotions often want to do is blame Him. But I just didn’t want to hurt His heart.

I’ve been pretty true to that promise. I haven’t been angry with or blamed God, even through my journey of disability and chronic illness. I’m not saying I haven’t had the emotion come to me. Sometimes I “feel” angry or frustrated with God. When that emotion comes, I quickly take it as a WARNING sign. I know if I don’t address it right there it will turn into anger and resentment at God. So I push the emotion away, and don’t let the thoughts that come with that emotion, “God doesn’t intend good for you. He is so unfair.” etc, play in my head.

I quickly tell God why I trust Him instead. I thank Him instead. And I tell Him why I won’t be angry with Him…because he died on the cross for me, and that is love divine: love deeper than I can fathom. I will not be angry with the being who took my shame. I won’t be angry with the one who spared me from hell. I won’t be angry with the one who does not condemn me at my worst but loves me too much to leave me there. He gently cleans me and helps me leave my sin behind.

He is so good to me. He has not abandoned me at my worst. Therefore, in my worst circumstances I will not abandon Him. I will not turn on Him. And when Satan tries to get me angry at Him, I will not give in. Yes, the emotion comes. The frustration comes. But my love is deeper. I love Him too much to be mad at Him. I want to make Him smile and know that I am on His side. I won’t be moved. And so, I choose not to give into that emotion. I choose to love Him, adore Him, worship Him, the creator of the heavens and the seas, the one who died and rose again for you and for me.