When God Doesn’t Take Away the Pain: Choosing Faith in Suffering

This proverb has always given me reason to reflect.

“The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”—Proverbs 16:9

The Lord directs my steps, I told myself last night as I pushed my walker through the severe pain in my feet.

The Lord directs our steps, Shadrach remembered as the guards shoved him, Meshach, and Abednego toward the blazing furnace.

The Lord directs His steps, Mary remembered as she watched her son carry his cross toward Golgotha.

Not every step God determines is a step of pain. Yet, our struggle is not in vain. These steps of agony are used for a reason beyond what we can see. The biggest challenge is enduring when you can’t see the purpose of the pain.

Last night, I saw that a fellow chronic-illness warrior, only 19 years old, is now in hospice. This girl has beamed the light of Jesus through her entire trial. I cried for her family, for her lost dreams, but also for the loss this world will have. Yet, she used her pain to point people to the deeper things in life. She will soon be witnessing unfathomable things—beauty, serenity, laughter, no pain, and the presence of Jesus. I can only imagine.

Yet, I’m left here. I’m older than her, and I couldn’t possibly tell you why I’m here and she’s leaving. Why does my family get to keep me and hers doesn’t? Why does she get to be out of suffering while I have to endure?

I don’t know. I just know that with my pain, I want to point people to the deeper things in this life.

For three months, I’ve been told I may lose my toes. The ER ruled that out last week—or so we thought. They missed something. I’m getting blood flow to the large arteries in my feet, but the microvascular system in my toes is not getting enough oxygen.

To be honest, I’ve been almost numb to the grief of losing my toes because the pain has been so severe.

I keep telling the doctors, “It feels like my feet are in a campfire and I can’t put the fire out.”

The condition is sometimes called “man on fire disease,” which makes me think of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

I think about the fiery furnace and the steps they took leading up to it. How hot was their skin? The sweat dripping down their faces. And then they stepped into the furnace.

Did it feel like burning at first?

We know that Nebuchadnezzar saw a fourth figure with them in the furnace. God did not keep them from walking toward the fire. But He was with them when they entered it.

My feet have been burning for about 18 hours a day for three months. It’s been incredibly difficult. I’m worn out, beat up, tired.

This is why my doctor had my surgical port accessed 24/7. I have a tube connected to a large vein near my heart. My parents and I have had to learn how to give me IVs and medications through it.

And now, so much damage has happened to my feet that we got my walker out last night. I’ve been limping the last few days simply because the pain has become so severe.

I keep wondering, “When will this season end?”

I don’t know where these steps are leading.

But I’m trying to let God direct them.

So, tonight when my feet feel like they’re going to rip open, I will remind myself: The Lord directs my steps.

And just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego believed that God would deliver them from the furnace when they told King Nebuchadnezzar,

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know…we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

—Daniel 3:17–18

And in the same way, I believe that God will get me through this season. I don’t think I will lose my toes. I even believe God will bring something good out of this season. But even if I do lose my toes, and God does not deliver me from this season, I will serve Him. I won’t leave Him because He doesn’t give me what I want.

He is my King, my Father, and I am committed to serve Him forever.