When I cannot stand I’ll fall on you.

Today, I awoke from a restless night. Hours of my night were spent exhausted, wanting to sleep, but the sharp pain in my back keeps me awake. This has been happening the last few nights. I toss and turn trying to find a position that will help alleviate the pain. Nothing does. I go in and out of consciousness from exhaustion to discomfort. On top of the physical pain my mind is racing. It’s racing worrying about other frustrations in my life separate from the illness. Between the physical pain and stressful thoughts, it wasn’t a refreshing night.   

When I got up this morning, I got dressed and put on my makeup hoping to move forward with more energy today. But as much as the makeup covers up my outer blemishes it doesn’t cover me from the symptoms that start increasing. After being up an hour, that searing pain in my back was up and awake with me. Then my breathing became tight and painful.  

My mom mentions to me that she may go visit a family friend who just got home from the hospital. I say I want to go with her. I’m used to pushing through my own suffering to be there for someone else in their hardship. I love being there for them. I understand pain well so if I can bring comfort to someone who is going through their own pain, I consider it a privilege. 

While I’m standing and talking with my mom, my legs start throbbing. They feel weak and deeply ache-as if they cannot hold my weight up for long. I lay and rest for a few minutes. But then I get up and try to do my at home physical therapy exercises, hoping they’ll make me feel better. My body does not want to cooperate with my plans. I’m reminded again of the chains my health keeps me in. I cannot escape from my chronic illness no matter how hard I try.  “God help me.” Becomes one of the many prayers I pray as I keep pushing through.

I’m tired- tired of fighting through the physical suffering, tired of pushing through the emotional heaviness. It’s a tough day and I know what I need… I need God. I need Him to help me break through this heaviness. I become so hungry for His spirit. I know it’s what will bring me back to life. When I go to His throne room on my knees, that’s where I find enough strength to get through the day. That’s where my spirit is revived and He anoints me with inspiration to keep going.

The weird thing is I can be so hungry for God’s spirit and yet keep myself busy thinking of other things instead of spending time with Him. I think our flesh, or the enemy, tries to keep us all from the thing we need most- time with Jesus. But even though I distract myself, my spirit keeps being pulled to spend time with my heavenly Father. I need to abide with Him.  

I was listening to a sermon online, but I knew I needed more than a sermon. I needed to be a sheep waiting for my shepherd’s voice to tell me what to do. Do I turn off the sermon and just spend time reading the Bible? Do I need to turn worship music on and worship my king?  A thought crosses my mind that I should open a message my friend left me. I felt like it might be God guiding me on what to do.

So I open the message and in this video message, my friend starts praying for me. I close my eyes to pray with her and tears start filling them. I feel God’s spirit while she’s praying. God is guiding me, He is breaking through the layers and layers of heaviness. I know He is the light in the darkness that I need.  

“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” Psalms 18:28

His spirit starts to fill my spirit with strength. I know I now have enough energy to walk out to my backyard. I grab my Bible and journal, go sit down outside and turn some worship music on. I lay back in the recliner and look at the beautiful trees. I admire the handy work of the one who created them. Nature always helps me feel closer to the Lord because being in the middle of His artwork makes me feel closer to the artist.

 A song turns on that I used to worship the Lord to when I was a little kid. My mom used to turn the worship music on and worship God in the living room. I’d wander in as a little 6 year old child and feel this Holy presence in there. And I’d just stay and worship God with her. I loved that presence. Even when I didn’t stay to worship with her, I’d walk by the living room and know that Holy presence I was sensing was the Lord.

This brings me to tears again. Why? When you reflect on His goodness and who He is, it can bring you to tears. And as I sit out in my backyard, in pain, worshipping, everything starts to fade away. All I’m now focused on is Jesus and I just sit there loving my God.

“When I cannot stand, I’ll fall on you,” was the lyric to one of the songs. “Yep, that’s me” my heart told the Lord. I often can’t stand, literally, I can’t stand because I’m too weak or I faint from the blood condition. But when I cannot stand I’ll fall on Him.

I’m a weak, fragile girl. I’m a human who gets frustrated, tired, and discouraged. But when you see that positive light in me, it’s a reflection of Jesus in me. What you love about me, isn’t me, it’s Him.  Sometimes people will tell me how strong I am because I’ve faced death, suffering, and am still here. It’s true I’ve chosen to persevere. But that perseverance comes from a fire God put in my heart to keep fighting. The source of that fire that keeps me going comes from the Lord. I hope my journey doesn’t point you to me. I’m also not trying to point you to church or rituals, but rather to the Author of the Bible, the Creator of the universe, and the Holy God who laid His life down so we could spend eternity with Him.

I pray that those of you who feel you can’t stand, will fall on Him. It’s okay if we’re weak, tired, and need help. In our weakness, His power can break through. As I write this my attitude has shifted. The discouragement and heaviness I had felt has greatly lightened. Why? Because I had time with Him and he helped me.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9