My broken body I give to You

Tonight, my mom helped me walk to my bedroom and I got into my bed confused and in pain from the migraine I had for hours. She handed me my second migraine pill as my head pounded. I wondered, “Is this really going to be my life forever?!”  

I’ve been disabled and chronically ill for over 11 years and going through various treatments–7 doctors, 20 prescription meds, physical therapy, essential oils, special diets, integrative supplements, vitamins, biweekly IV treatments and 2 potential brain surgeries- it’s all to try to get better!! But sometimes I wonder if I’m going to be on this merry-go-round, of two steps forward three steps back, the rest of my life?!  

As I was pondering this, I just kept telling the Lord, “This broken body I give to you.” Over and over I said this phrase in my spirit and continued to hear it echo throughout my being. I related to the little drummer boy in the Christmas song and how he brought what he had, his song on the drum, to the Lord.  

“I don’t have much God but this broken body I give to you.” I told Him again.  

It made me think of the story when Jesus fed the 4 thousand men (plus women and children), so it had to be over 10,000 people! This huge crowd had followed him to a remote place. He had been healing the blind, lame, and crippled. There were no restaurants or grocery stores nearby.  

Matt 15:32-34 

“Jesus called his disciples to him and said, ‘I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way.’  

His disciples answered, ‘Where could we get enough bread in this remote place to feed such a crowd?’  

‘How many loaves do you have?’ Jesus asked.  

‘Seven,’ they replied, ‘and a few small fish.'” 

He could have snapped his fingers and had manna fall out of the sky. But He asked them one important question, “How many loaves do you have?” He had them participate in what he was gonna do. Sometimes that’s all He asks of us -to give however much we have to Him and He’ll take care of the rest.  

With the parable of the talents- He gave one servant five talents, one servant two talents and another servant one talent. He didn’t expect the servant with one talent to do what the servant with five talents did. He just expected him to use the talent he had. There might be someone who has five times as much talent, money, time, energy, or intelligence as us but God isn’t comparing us to them. He’s just asking us to use what He’s given us.  

The servant of five talents multiplied his to ten talents, the servant of two talents multiplied his to four, but the servant with one talent hid his away. He didn’t lose his talent. He just hid it. When you don’t use your talents you’ve hidden them away. The master called this servant “wicked and lazy.” (Matthew 25) 

I don’t have the two or five talents that a lot of people have with health. I might be more like that guy with one talent, and it’s easy for me to bury it away in the dirt because I’m often trapped in my room, in pain, and I don’t want to do anything except hide away, cry, and  feel sorry for myself. 

With my disabilities I can’t be a light at work or reach out to co-workers. I can’t volunteer at church youth group or in the children’s ministry or go volunteer at a retirement home or travel to do missions. I’m visually impaired and can’t even drive myself to go visit a friend who needs cheered up.  

What can I do with this broken body? It’s not very cooperative. But I can choose to get up each day and give the day to God. I can choose not to quit when treatment gets REALLY hard. 

I can choose to have a good attitude, be grateful for my blessings, and be kind to others no matter how sick I feel or how much pain I’m in. I can be there for my friends and family, through prayer, and through a listening ear. I can reach out to others through the phone, through messages and be there for them when they are hurting.  

I can treat my caregiver, my mom, with gratitude when I’d rather be impatient and take my frustration with my health out on her. I can treat the doctors and nurses with that same kindness and hopefully show them the light of Jesus. I can talk about my journey online with transparency in hopes of helping others and sharing my faith. I can give my heart to Jesus each day and love Him. That’s the most important thing. In my room, alone, I can love Him, worship Him, adore Him and make sure He remains my first love.  

That’s a talent I don’t ever want to bury. Suffering and trials can make us question God, become angry at Him, and slowly drift away. But I’ve decided I won’t question God. I’ll ask Him questions. He may or may not answer. But I won’t question Him.  

I can’t forget that He loved us so much that He took on a broken body Himself, crucifixion, so that we might have eternal life. That is such deep love I cannot fathom. That’s love I’ve only seen in one being-Jesus. And I don’t need to question someone who loves humanity that deep.  

So tonight, I pray again, “My broken body and my one or two talents, you can have. My seven loaves and a few small fish are yours. Do what you may with them.”