"Even if Nothing Changes, I Will:" Growing in Faith through Life's Struggles

“Even if things don’t change, I will.” The phrase came to me while in a dark room with a migraine. I was laying in my bed, wearing my oxygen, on top of a heating pad… And yet the wisdom of that phrase made me stop and ponder.

That’s when I knew it was the Holy Spirit talking to me. When thoughts that enter my head are full of wisdom and also make no sense to what my humanness wants- I often know it’s God speaking to me.

It’s been a rough week. I’m going through another round of treatment for Lyme Disease.  The disease that keeps on giving! My blood pressure has been dropping low which makes it hard to get out of bed. The rest of the country is freezing from this winter storm and I’m waking up with fevers, my clothes wet, and ready to vomit from the nausea of this disease. 

I now have online college classes and homework. I’m incredibly grateful my TBI has progressed enough for me to be working towards my degree!! Yet it is a struggle finding time to do the homework around what feels like never-ending migraines. 

People often see me when I put my makeup on and get dressed, that’s cause I’m a girly girl :-)! Of course, I don’t post as many pics when I am a mess. For several days I’ve been too weak to get dressed, shower or simply walk downstairs. And that’s when God gives me this phrase, “Even if things don’t change, I will.” I know He is reminding me to go deeper. He is asking me if I’ll become complacent if my sickness is.

It’s been a decade of lessons, but we never have to stop growing as believers unless we choose to. I know if I’m willing to surrender, He’ll teach me more. And yet I can see that my flesh would fight, and cry, and could go into denial, self-comfort, or do all the things that we do when we suffer.

So what about you? What unwanted season are you in?  Are you doing everything you can to skip it? Daydreaming and watching YouTube/Social Media videos about what you wish you had? You might be planning, hoping, praying, and waiting for that goal to come true. 

But what if it never does? What if you’re stuck in this season forever? What will you do with this season? Will you be a good steward of it? Or will you waste it away? Of course we can grieve. I’m not saying to skip grief. But there’s a difference between grieving what you’re going through and having a “grown up tantrum.”

Tantrums can be quiet. They’re often self-pity. Asking things over and over like, “When? Why? How?” “Why does ‘so and so’ get what they want, but I don’t?!” We might think we wanted it more than others who are enjoying the health, relationship, career, lifestyle, family that we yearn for. Maybe we believe they are less deserving because they’re mean, selfish, or shallow people. The Bible even talks about the wicked getting what they want and David in the Psalms would ask, “Why them?” “I have seen a wicked and ruthless man flourishing like a luxuriant native tree.” Psalm 37:35 I don’t have the answers for why. Neither did David. But I know the more time we devote being upset about other peoples circumstances- the less happy we will be.

My friend and I were just talking about this. We were discussing how God probably tells His kids not to be “jealous” and to “forgive” not because other people necessarily deserve it but because He knows it makes us miserable. Instead, He points us to gratitude. We now know scientifically, that gratitude helps us be happier, it helps us have better relationships, and helps our overall health.

I’m a psych major and I remember reading studies showing that anxiety and gratitude involve similar brain regions. Practicing gratitude actually lessens anxiety.  Maybe that’s why the scripture says, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God,” Philippians 4:6. 

I have three medical appointments this week. That’s pretty normal for my life of chronic illness and disability. I have to go to one specialist and terminate treatment. It was for one of my brain conditions (CCI/brainstem impingement). But it has been making my migraines and blood pressure worse. I am the type that will push through any type of symptoms if there is a chance I will get better. So my doctor had to get frank and say, “This might kill you.  It’s dangerous.” And she explained to me how fragile I am. 

The doctors are now sending me for more CT scans. They’re looking for other causes of my symptoms in hopes of finding treatment. This is the ongoing story for many of us with chronic illness. More tests, more hope, more let downs, sometimes more answers. I’m grateful the doctors keep trying to help me. There was a time it wasn’t this way.  

So if my journey of illness continues forever and I don’t progress… Will I throw a pity party as I watch others experience simple things I want; living independently without a caregiver, driving, working, paying their bills etc… or will I give thanks for all God has provided? Will I keep letting Him change me? That is the choice I have. But it’s no different from anyone else. We all have this choice throughout our lives. And it goes back to this scripture for me, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God,” Philippians 4:6. 

God gives us the wisdom to “Be anxious for nothing.” Easier said than done. But there are a few tools. 1. We can always go to God. “In everything by prayer and supplication,” supplication- which means pleading, “make your requests known to God.” So ask God for everything. Go to your heavenly father for anything…but there is a second piece of wisdom here.  2.  “with thanksgiving.”

I always thought this was odd when I was a kid. When I asked my parents for something, I didn’t stop to thank them for all the things they gave me. Now that I’m an adult, I watch my nieces and nephews constantly asking their parents for thing after thing and then asking their grandparents and me for more and more and more. I wish I had stopped and thanked my parents. 

I think it would be a good practice for children to stop and realize ALL they’re given. For them to realize ALL they had instead of just WANTING for MORE. And as I sit here and critique children I realize that we’re just grown-up children with God. We ask God for more, more, more, and often when we get our prayers answered, we don’t even go back and thank Him. We’re in constant “want-mode,” and that makes us eternally unhappy. If we go into constant “gratitude-mode,” we’d be much more joyful. 

But it is hard when you’re in pain from a disease, or lonely and single, or in a difficult marriage, or financially distressed, to thank God. Yet, realizing what we have is often the key to finding the strength to keep going. It is often the joy that fuels us. “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

So if my illness becomes complacent and nothing changes- I will. I will try to be grateful. I will let God keep changing me. I will let His strength, His Spirit, His joy renew me to become more like Him in the years to come. Easier said than done but “with God all things are possible.” Matt 19:26