Be like Job

These last two weeks have been “difficult” to say the least. I’m writing this in my dark bedroom, while my migraine is tolerable. I know I must write before the pain becomes unbearable again, for I never know when it is coming back. In March I went to New York to see the brain surgeon. While I was out there, they discovered I had a nerve disease, “Small Fiber Neuropathy” that they treat with IVIG treatments. The brain surgeon suggested that I go through 3-6 months of this treatment and then come back to NY for more tests before we go forward with brain surgery. I have decided I’ll do anything to get better, so we went forward with the IVIG.

For this IVIG treatment I had a port surgically put in, which makes it so they can connect the IVs to my heart vein easily. This was the beginning of a bumpy road for me. It was outpatient surgery, so I was sent home a few hours after surgery. But when we got home the pain became so horrible that I could not lay down or sit up without agonizing pain. I asked my mom or dad to help me sit/lay down, because to try to do so by myself was impossible due to the pain. Don’t think I didn’t try ;). I did many times. But the screeching nerve pain from my neck down my chest stopped my body mid track and it just would not sit/lay down.

The pain became so fierce that I could not even roll onto my side. I tried this as well, but again, the shooting pain all over my chest and up my neck shocked my body and stopped it. I would ask my mom to roll me onto my side. This is what I did for a few days until I was able to finally sit and stand by myself again. Oh, and did I mention I kept passing out every other time I stood up?! That was a nice surprise from the surgery ;). A week after surgery it was time to start IVIG treatment. I was able to walk to the bathroom by myself and felt that treatment would be a breeze after what I had just gone through. I was warned that there could be some headaches as a side effect from the IV treatment, but often there weren’t side effects for people.

The first two days of treatment I felt fluish, headaches, nausea and weakness. I could handle that; it wasn’t unlike a lot of my normal life or my “difficult days” as we call them. My mom arranged visitors to come and see me, and this cheered me up. How beautiful the body of Christ is, what a blessing to reach out to me with their smiling faces and love. My beautiful sister came with my nieces and nephews and their little drawings and gifts they brought me. They hung them up on my wall so I could see them from my bed. On the third day of IVIG treatment something changed for the worse. The pain that surged into my brain was one I’ve experienced before but haven’t had in years (since invasive Lyme disease treatment 9 years ago). On a scale of 1 to 10 it was a 9 or a 10. It’s the type of pain you can’t scream because there’s no energy in your body to scream, every ounce of energy is trying to survive this type of pain.

There is no energy to cry, no strength to talk. You can’t think clear. You can’t assess clearly what is going on or how bad things are. All you’re trying to do is survive. For hours upon hours, upon hours I held my head in the dark and asked God for strength to get through this pain. Nothing was helping. We tried migraine pills, they did nothing. We tried over the counter pain meds they did nothing. We called the neurologist’s office and told them how bad it was. They gave us some prescription pain medication which maybe took it from the 9/10 to an 8/9. I couldn’t feel God, I couldn’t hear Him.

Every time I cried out for help I didn’t “feel” help. It felt like I was in a storm, a dark, cloudy storm. I couldn’t see hope, see light, or see an end to this agonizing pain…

What do you do when you medically can’t get help and you spiritually don’t feel help? You’re left in a dark room, trying to survive. I kept asking the Lord to help my faith, to help me be like Job and praise Him when I don’t feel Him. And boy I still did not feel Him. I didn’t even feel like He was hearing my prayers. But I know He does. So, I kept on asking, “Please help me pass the test like Job. Help me keep the faith when I don’t feel you or feel like there is any end to the pain.” I

don’t want to be someone who turns away as soon as God doesn’t give me what I want. I don’t want to turn my back on Him because I don’t “feel” Him or because he’s not answering my prayers. I didn’t understand why He wasn’t helping the agonizing pain melt down to tolerable… why did I have to bear it for hours and hours, days and days, with no end in sight?!

But while l lay there in the dark, holding my head, not sure if my body could continue to endure this pain, and not sure why God wasn’t answering, I knew one thing: I know my God is good. I know He loved humanity so much He endured pain more than what I was enduring, torture, death on a cross, so we could be with Him in eternity. He saw us at our worst, in our sin, and that’s when He took our punishment upon His back and paved a way for us to be with Him forever. That’s the God I serve and that’s the God I won’t turn away from, even when I don’t understand.

If He never does a thing for me again, He did far more than I could ask for. All that evening and night my head throbbed and I wanted to throw up. I hadn’t eaten since early that day so my body only had dry heaves, until finally I vomited up the little water I was drinking. We didn’t know if I had also thrown up my medicine. Around midnight, Thursday night, the migraine finally calmed down to a moderate headache and I was relieved.