As My Head Throbs and My Feet Burn, This Is What I Think About

I'm just a girl who has suffered much but knows the love of God. That sounds like an oxymoron to many. But the disciples suffered more than most of us can imagine and they continued to preach the love of Jesus. Why?

I think the more you suffer, the more you realize you've only skimmed the surface of the torture Christ went through to give you eternal life. You often feel unworthy of his act of bravery.

I have 3 diseases, 3 brain conditions, and a few other things that cause a lot of disabilities and symptoms...I would never sign up for this. I would never go through this to spend time with my enemies. Yet, Christ went through agony so those who hate him would have the chance for eternal life.

What kind of love is that? What kind of God is that?!

My God. The one I will choose to serve until my last breath.

I hope my suffering helps others see how much Christ loves them. If that's the one thing that comes from a decade-plus of pain, disability and broken dreams, it makes it worth it.

I trust that God's capable of giving me a miracle. I believe He still does miracles. But for whatever reason He has said, "No, not now." to my many, many requests. So, I've decided to trust His decision.

I don't think He delights in my suffering. I think it breaks His heart. But I don't think He lets it go in vain. I think He uses it for something bigger.

I've often wondered if there are conversations over me in Heaven. Did Satan try to pull a "Job" on me? Did he tell God, "She will turn on you if she loses her health, her dreams and her independence." And God said, "That's my girl, she will never turn on me." Did that happen?!

I would be so glad if God had confidence in me like that. I want to make Him proud! After all He's done for me, if I can be someone He trusts, that would be my honor. I will stand by Him when my life is falling apart.

These are the thoughts that fill my mind as my head throbs, my feet burn, and my body prepares to rest. My vision is blurring and tomorrow brings another 10-hour IV.

I hope you know how deeply God loves you. The pain I am going through is mild compared to the anguish He suffered to give you eternal life.

"But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. " Romans 12:8

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20

"Then He said to them all: whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23