What Now???

Excitement, guilt, fear, amazement, ecstasy, anxiety, joy, excitement, excitement, EXCITEMENT!!!!! These are the emotions I’ve been feeling since I went from being bedridden and in a wheelchair, to my life changing and being able to walk again!!! I may have many symptoms I still deal with from the Lyme Disease, and Brain Injury, but my blood condition, POTS (Postural, Orthostatic, Tachycardia Syndrome) that kept me bedridden is under control :). 5 years ago my life changed in one moment from a car accident. 5 months ago my life changed in a matter of weeks from an experimental treatment done in the hospital for my POTS. I’m on intense medicine that keeps my blood flowing to my head and slows my heart down.

So much has happened in these past few months that it’s hard to put into words. In some ways it seems like yesterday I was bedridden, and in some ways it feels like years ago. Yes, God is absolutely using this new medicine. But the doctors, and physical therapists cannot explain how quickly I’ve been making progress. They say that even with the medicine it’s a “miracle” what is happening.  I’ve seen supernatural signs and wonders when it comes to my healing as well as medicine. I’ve seen my mom lay hands on me and pray and God touched me where my healing started fast-forwarding (and my mom has laid hands on me and prayed probably hundreds of times these past 5 years). But this is God’s timing. I don’t know why, I’m just grateful.

So many people asked why this was happening to me when my chronic illness hit me. But when I started getting better I asked “Why me??” when my dear friends were still facing horrible diseases themselves.  I don’t think I’ll ever have the answers to these questions while I’m here on earth. But even when I don’t understand, I know God is still good, loving and faithful. I know that no matter what happens in life He still loves us and wants to be part of our everyday life. I know that when our lives are falling apart He’ll be there and when we’re rejoicing He’ll be there. He has the answers, and maybe our human  minds are too small to comprehend these answers fully until we get to Heaven.

What can I say to do when your life changes overnight or when it is the same everyday?? It’s the same advice for such different situations. Take it one day at a time. Be in the moment, in today. Mostly to seek God and His guidance for the day. “God help me.” “God show me what to do.” Often my prayer is just one word over and over, “Jesus.” The mighty name of my Savior and my Lord. When you hurt yourself as a child you cry out one word “Mom” and she runs over to help you. When you’re proud of yourself because you’re riding  a bike for the first time you call out one word “Mom” and she knows to smile and rejoice with you. The name Jesus, He knows what to do, He knows what we need in that moment (better than we do).

Whatever season of life we’re in, whether a storm or a season of joy, God will guide us a day at a time. We still go about our everyday responsibilities…  but during work, God might nudge you to reach out to a coworker, and make sure they’re ok. He might show you to go the extra mile for a client. He might use the professor’s lecture to speak to you about something personal. Sometimes He guides us by nudging our hearts, sometimes it comes from a friend speaking a wise word to us. Sometimes it comes through signs, but often it comes through guidance of our Spirits.

I still have several doctors I see on a regular basis. Sometimes they tell me what I should do (or not do) and I know it is wisdom I should listen to (even if I don’t like it). But when I felt a supernatural energy come into my body and God whispered to my Spirit “Run!”… I didn’t care what the doctors said, I ran!!!! I’ve only ran twice in the last 5 months when I felt the Lord nudge me, but it was amazing. Sometimes I know wisdom and guidance from God is to rest. I still have to rest more than the average person because of my health problems.

Often it took so much determination (and grace from God) to go to physical therapy when my body felt soooooo sick. God’s grace, it enables us to do things we can’t do without it. It’s an amazing thing. It doesn’t always give me the energy but it changes my Spirit to have the right attitude to do something. I’m still being treated for mal-absorption, Lyme Disease, and the brain injury. I’m always weighing out what to do with treatment. I’ve come off of certain pain medicines (which is so hard on the body) and been put on new ones. All of it, I just need God’s grace.

My vision is permanently damaged from the brain injury (in the natural). I’m having to learn how to cope and walk when the floor and walls look like they’re moving and shaking (which it looks like 24/7). I still have nerve pain throughout my body 24/7 which I’m also learning to cope with.  It’s not easy and sometimes I still forget to ask God for His grace (which my mom gently reminds me to do). I have to rest and recharge/ recover after outings (like going to the store with my mom or doctors, or a family members house).

My life seems to be a mixture of emotions and physical abilities and disabilities. I couldn’t be happier seeing all of the progress!!! I am so amazed that I can sit in my backyard in the sunshine (which is healing happening in the brain injury for me to be able to stand the sunlight).  I’m amazed I can pick my nieces or nephew up and be confident I won’t drop them because I have strength and control of my arms!!! It’s amazing!!!! But I also feel like I don’t know what I’m doing!!!! I don’t know when to go or to stay, I don’t know how to process all of these emotions. It’s a new dependence on the Lord that I’m learning. I feel like hour by hour I’m looking to Him for guidance. And I’m grateful for that dependence.

Those of you that know me know that I am naturally a very INDEPENDENT person!! These past years I’ve had to learn to be dependent on others. I’ve been learning to be dependent on the Lord…which I’m still not very good at, but I’m learning. It’s something that’s so easy to forget, for all of us. We live in a very independent society, especially here in the US!! We are taught to be independent and self reliant. So learning to be dependent on the Lord is a different train of mind.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.